Part 1 - I met with my ex..

"So I've met someone"...

I walk in the door, drop my bags and let out the biggest sigh of relief, I look up to see the picture on the wall that reads “It’s so good to be home”, and fuck is that ever accurate. I can’t remember that last time I’ve had a weekend to myself here, and even though it’s less than 24 hours this time, I’m soaking up every second of it.

My computer is still cold as I type this, initially I had plans to work on other projects this evening but the day lead my heart right to this keyboard. I haven’t even completely processed what happened today - and while maybe I should take some time before I make it an entry, I’m not letting him control the narrative yet again.

At 10:08am this morning I received a text from Thom “would we be able to meet up this afternoon and talk or Sunday evening”. I was in my car ready to pull up to a photoshoot with some of the people I work with, and then was planning on driving back to Ottawa to have a night at home alone before he brought Raina back tomorrow. Initially I was going to respond saying that I’ll see him tomorrow - but then I started to worry that maybe something happened with his dad and he needed someone to talk to, his dad has been quite sick lately and there’s some history there that’s not mine to share, but he knows he can confide in me.

I asked him if everything was okay and he replied “ya just wanted to talk”. I told him I could meet him right after the photoshoot, he agreed. Despite everything Thom and I have went through I’ve still always been an available ear, a shoulder when needed - truthfully I’m the only person he can talk to about many things considering I know the ‘real’ Thom. I know the history, and things that no one ever will, and at the end of the day he’s my daughters father I’ll always be there for him if I’m needed.

After the photoshoot I was supposed to go with the group for brunch but I told them Thom needed to talk so I would have to pass, “maybe he’s finally going to tell me he has a new woman” I joked with them, I already knew he did but I never mentioned it or asked him because I knew he would tell me when he was ready, or when it was serious enough that he wanted to bring her around Raina.

I pull up outside of his work office and he pulls in shortly after, I jump in his truck and chat quickly about the photoshoot before finally I say “so what’s up?” Immediately his eyes start to water and he takes a deep breathe and says “so I’ve met someone” - instantly I smile and say “well that’s amazing Thom, I’m so happy for you” he lets out this subtle sigh of relief before he starts to cry, I comfort him by telling him not to be upset, and that this is great and remind him that I want him to be happy. He goes on this long winded almost panicked spiel about how they met, what she does, how it was unexpected, so on and so forth, I stop him. “Thom, you do not have to explain this to me” I cut him off, and again express how happy I am for him.

We had a great conversation, mostly me trying to reiterate that my main concern is always the kids, and he knows that. I thank him for telling me but then make fun of him for thinking that I didn’t already know, he laughs cause he knows that there isn’t too much I don’t hear - I just don’t care if it has nothing to do with my children, his life is his life, and mine is mine. I assume he’s telling me because it’s getting serious enough that he’s considering introducing her to Raina, it’s only been a couple months but sometimes when ya know, ya know, I’m not here to judge.

We talk about the 3 of us going for dinner as he would like to introduce her to me, Thom and I have always had pretty clear expectations about bringing people into our daughters life and how we would go about that. I have very clear boundaries when it comes to my children, specifically Raina, as Lyle’s grown and has chosen to no longer have a relationship with Thom. I think it’s fantastic that his new girlfriend is willing to meet, all I care about is Raina and it’s not like I’m going to grill the girl, I’m genuinely just happy to be able to get to know another woman that could potentially love my little girl one day.

We chat a bit longer, we share some laughs - at the end of the day, I’ve let go of all the “shit” that Thom put me and my kids through, and trust me it’s not something the average person ever gets over, most would be fuelled with hate, but I chose to let it go and move on, not just for Raina but for me. He tears up again and we hug for the second time as I remind him again, “Thom, stop. It’s okay, this is great, I’m happy for you”. I say my good byes and hit the highway. (there was more chit chat but nothing major).

I pull into Kingston on my way home as I wanted to stop and look at some bathing suits for my trip, I sit in my car for a moment and just smile. Why am I so happy that he’s moving on? Why am I actually excited for this? I kind of chuckle to myself, maybe it’s because I had this fear that I would find someone first and despite everything I wouldn’t want to hurt him. I sit for a moment and a single tear runs down my face, not sadness but happiness - every word I said to him was the true, and in that moment I had 100% confirmation that my life, my new life, truly was no longer burdened by my past. I’ve moved on, maybe not in the same way he has, I’m not in a relationship - but I’ve left the pain behind me. I was so happy and slightly relieved.

So I text him.. “Listen, don’t ever worry about doing things that make YOU happy, I’m genuinely happy for you. The happier we are the happier our daughter will be and that’s what’s most important to me”. I go on (I won’t quote as it’s quite personal and in detail) to basically say that I hope if this woman is as great as he says she is that he will be honest with her about everything, to respect her enough for that. I’ve always encouraged him to lead his next relationship with honesty about who he is, things he’s done (and does), and to find someone that will accept him for him including the ‘shit’. rather than hide it, I want him to live an authentic truthful life, he deserves that, Raina deserves that. He always agreed that the next person would know everything before they moved forward, it’s much easier to lay things out for people in the beginning we’ve had many conversations about that, the importance of it all.

I put my phone down and go bathing suit shopping.. About an hour and a half later I see the text, the response. My heart starts to race. I go from happy for him, to sad for her.. “What all are you planning on putting in your book”? Is he fuckin serious?

“If it happened to me, if it hurt me, if it scarred me, if it was something I had to heal from to become who I am today, it will be written” I responded..

Part 2 coming when I can ensure I’m not writing from a place of anger and disgust.

-A